AT NIGHT

01:10 A.M.
Gosh, that is beautiful… theme from Romeo and Juliet in rock version coming from her computer, night when everyone is asleep and there is a chance to think and give way to dreaming and bring back the memories of the past… maybe she does it too often… Sometimes she has a thought of why do people have daytime… it would be cool to have just night, to live in it, enjoy every tiny part of it… People are relaxed when it gets dark, they are more romantic, less talkative, thus less annoying…

She dreams of a night to come since early morning, she dreams of a warm cozy bad, dreams of a silence, and dreams of having dreams… Sweet dreams… sometimes it is amazing how creative your imagination can be, it is not even necessary to watch the movies, in dreams you create your own movie, choose the place, your own actors and leave the best “spot” for yourself… a bit selfish, but life is not fair anyway… There is one more thing real movie could never do – go back to past, the past you really enjoyed and give you a chance to experience it again, but in dreams it is even better - you can change things you were not able to change in reality and see the outcome of it. It may bring you consolation… or disappointment… nothing can be perfect, you just have to accept it.

Sometimes after having weird dream you wonder whether you need to consult a good psychologist to explain the nature of it. She had seen couple dreams of this kind, unfortunately psychologists don’t know the answer… more unanswered questions in her longest list, but she stands for having these questions, because they are the indicator of the brain being somehow functioning, trying to find out something she is not aware of at this moment. She probably needs this “something”, and this “something” will be significant in future, otherwise why would she need to know it?

Darkness helps people to communicate… Sounds like a nonsense… Nope, we should not abandon eye contact and verbal communication, but with no seeing people it is a completely different approach. Close your eyes and imagine that you are not able to see, you can just feel and hear… The acceptance of the world will totally change as well as your values…

She remembers once being in a dark hall (the electricity went off – usual phenomenon for our country…), so she was trying to make her way through this hall and there were the stairs and the wall and a real danger of having the forehead being smashed… So she was moving very slowly… suddenly she felt someone’s gentle hand taking hers and leading her towards the final destination… No words, just a touch. And his breath. A touch which didn’t last longer than a minute, but a touch which stayed in memory. She never got to see this person, she has no idea of how he looks, what are his interests in this life, and simply she doesn’t care. But he called out positive emotions in her that is all that matters.

Ouch… loud, VERY loud music coming from neighbor’s apartment… Don’t they understand that there are other 4 billion people beside them living on this planet? Sometimes when people are happy they become very self-oriented and don’t think of others… Well, she won’t yell at them today, because she might do the same thing tomorrow, be happy and also forget of others…

She sets the alarm, lights amazingly smelling candles, puts on her favorite pajamas with smiling Teddy bears on it and tries to fall asleep. After telling a night prayer she feels discomfort, a new feeling she hadn’t experienced before, a feeling of being lonely, very lonely. Her warm, cozy bed turns into huge, cold piece of wood, a reminder of her being isolated from the society. No one would kiss her “good night”, no one would watch her beauty when she is asleep, and no one would calm her down when she has a nightmare. And when she wakes up in the middle of the night she will be alone in this room and only stuffed animals with artificial smiles will accompany her. Hey tears, please don’t go down the chicks, the eyes will be red in the morning and will evade the state she is in today. She doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry for her, because then she will feel totally miserable. She hates night…

Someone walks into her room. She holds her breath and pretends that she is asleep. That is her mum carrying warm blanket for her spoiled, selfish daughter. For a minute mother seats on the edge of her bed, fixes the blanket so that the cold air won’t approach her “little cutie” and quietly walks away. Mother left but the blanket turned into her warm hands, holding her tight and telling that she is stupid, nevertheless not lonely…

I like to watch the stars at night
To scream “I love you” with all my might…
I like to dream, I’ll see you there
In dreams I’ll get you anywhere…

09.10.05

“A Real Happiness…”

“Life fades when a person doesn’t suffer:
having everything, he is not aware of the fact
that he is blessed…
Only in trials he realizes what the REAL
happiness is…”

Rain… Muddy…Getting dark… A homeless person was standing next to a food store, gazing for about an hour at a diary sector. Yes, he hadn’t eaten since morning when he found a loaf of moldy bread in garbage. People are spoiled, throwing away the things which still present a great value for others…

An hour passed… No changes… He was too proud to beg, stupid habit from the life when he was significant, had a job, “true” friends and the family… Who could say back then that he will turn into homeless person, loose everything at once???

People were busy doing Christmas shopping, buying presents and arranging the meals for Christmas dinner. For them this homeless person was invisible, like a wall or a garbage can, standing on the way and irritating with disgusting smell and look. He didn’t belong to this society anymore, because people in there don’t accept losers…

He decided to go home and find something containing nutrition on the way. It is amazing how fast the degradation of a person can happen, when the only thought in a head is connected with FOOD… No, he wasn’t at this stage now (at least he wanted to believe in it…), he just wanted to live, and it is essential to eat to stay alive.

While walking on a busy street he saw a beautiful girl, a girl who is about the same age as his daughter is supposed to be… He can only guess that his daughter looks like this girl, because he hadn’t seen her for two years, when she moved to a better life with HIS wife, leaving unlucky guy behind…

A girl smiled to him, kids don’t really care how much money you have in the pocket… Later she will grow up and turn into a bitch, like all females who sell their beauty, bodies and lives… Do they become any happier having cars, apartments and respect? They think that this comfort is called “happiness”, but they are wrong… This homeless person can say that he is happy now, not possessing any property, nevertheless happy…He is grateful when he finds moldy bread, when someone finally notices him, or when he gets to talk to other people…

He also makes a wish on a Christmas Eve every year, because a hope always accompanies him, and while there is a hope there is a reason to strive and live, live to a better life. It is the same wish, from year to year… and he believes that if he really wants it to happen it will come true…

Some people would call it “childish dream”, but for him it had a certain meaning… He dreamed of having a puppy… a cute little puppy, unprotected and loving… And every time he would come “home” someone would wait for him there, will notice his absence… it won’t be necessary to talk, an animal doesn’t need words, it needs real YOU…

It is not that hard to find a puppy for homeless person, because there are millions of homeless puppies out in the streets… But taking a puppy requires a lot of responsibility, because you should make sure that you won’t hurt him, that he will have everything he needs, including shelter and food… We are responsible for creatures we have domesticated and who will not be able to survive without our presence in their lives anymore… He couldn’t offer these items now, but he had love – a feeling which is impossible to work out, you just have it or not…

Homeless person greeted Timur, his basement neighbor, who was also homeless. Timur was alcohol addictive. He was still young, nevertheless overloaded with problems which he was able to solve, but we always choose “easy solution”, so now he is here, accompanying our hero. Usually they don’t talk much to each other; both had enough of their own problems to pay attention to someone else’s.

This day Timur was unusually excited: he found an advertisement in newspaper where the vacancy for a storage guard was announced. Surprisingly, all the requirements talked in his favor, and the salary was promising. A real chance to start a new life. Timur was choosing the most “less dirty” outfit for the interview, found a piece of soap and had intentions to take a shower using water from the heating system.

But employers were mean: they didn’t let Timur take an interview, not realizing that this is his last chance… Returning to a basement, homeless person found Timur dead: he committed suicide using that soap... A bottle of vodka – the only reminder of a person’s existence, only a bottle… Later everything was like in fog: aggressive policemen, short interrogation and prohibitation to live in a basement.
Inexplicably, a homeless person still had a desire to live…

You never know the reason of us coming here…
Time will pass and suddenly you’ll disappear…
You fall in love, then heart is broken… so many words are left unspoken
We hurt the people we mostly care, not trying to be better, prefer to swear:
Smoke pot, try sex, ignore the Christ’s existence
And laughing in a class at kid’s persistence…
You never know what’s wrong or right… just ask yourself: you might…

Look around: there are many people who are less blessed than you are… And they don’t complain as much as you do that “life really sucks!” If you pay just a bit of your attention, you might even meet this homeless person who is still walking in search of his dream… and a puppy waiting for his loving owner… If you get to see this homeless person, please give him a smile: it won’t cost you much, but for him it might be a real happiness…