BIRTHDAY STORY

Sudden light broke into his eyes, that was painful, unusual, exciting, new...

Max heard loud voice, voice pleading for help, it was also a new sound. In a moment he realized that this voice belonged to him, so he tried to control it. Someone's arms lifted him and lead towards another room. That room was much smaller, darker, with warm cozy bed and soft sheets. Max stayed alone. He tried to move, but his body didn't follow his mind, it was motionless. There were no more strengths to cry for help, so after several minutes of trial and fruitless efforts he fell asleep.

Max woke up in the morning because of a gentle touch and kiss. His mama's kiss. And that was the first day of Max's life, a day a lot of people feel thankful for as they were blessed with this person presence.

P.S. I wrote this narration for our collegue's birthday, he was very much impressed by it :)

On the Edge of the Roof

Introduction…

“Nothing is over until you stop trying…”

She was standing on the edge of the roof… Previous moments of her life were probably one of the most electrifying ones: yes, she was happy, she loved and was LOVED… but now it is over, nothing brings her joy anymore… one day doesn’t differ much from the other, and it was the worst thing she could expect to happen…

The wind blows stronger and stronger, calling her to follow HIM… He touches her long dark hair, pads her young face wet because of tears, at this moment there are just two of them: this hopeless person and gentle wind. City at night is beautiful; she cannot hold her breath when she sees it like this: busy, bright, hostile… She can hear voices downstairs, people are fussing trying to get together, and she realizes even more that she is not wanted in this world anymore…

Suddenly mullah starts his night prayer, it is always thrilling. Gosh, she loves this mixture of modernity and traditionalism! This evening prayer used to comfort her, but not anymore… as an answer for her thoughts the prayer was interrupted by a train which was making its way to other places, where people are probably a lot happier than here…

For a moment she imagined herself in this train, making her way to a person, who probably still waits for her; they waited this to happen for so long… now it is too late… She wonders: would he cry when he finds out that she is gone… she won’t know the exact answer, she can only guess and hope he would. Her mind is overtaken with memories of her past; she noticed that lately she was living just with these memories, they brought her pain, and nevertheless it is impossible to forget…

CHAPTER 1

After coming back from the states Alana has noticed that her conception of the world was wrong: it was more complicated than she could imagine. She got to know that real friendship is a myth people made up to justify this mutual exploitation of each other. But that understanding came later: before there was a beautiful fairy-tale which lasted for 3 years… Fairy-tale called “Kakadu”…

She would never think that he will become the main crush of her life when they met… Not tall, dark, skinny, with big nose and American-fashioned clothes… still, there was something at this person which made him unique, desired in any company, unforgettable… All conditions were for their relations: the same company, accommodation, activities they had to carry out together and that trip to the mountain… Alana was wearing white pants and white sweater, it was damn cold. When the group of 12 people got there, Kakadu was “surprisingly” next to Alana. After pictures were taken, they stayed together, on the wind, viewing the town, talking for hours… at that moment town seemed to be the perfect place for her, because she was happy there.

After that trip they got a lot closer, and couldn’t imagine a single day without talking to each other. During daytime they didn’t talk much, but every evening he was coming to her room and they were just talking till morning. There he told her about his ex-girlfriend, who is waiting for him in city… Now Alana knew why he is such a charismatic person: he is smart, experienced in life, yep, he loved this life and made other people share this love, fantastic feeling!

Ten days passed very fast, and there was the last night. They went to a dance club, Alana and Kakadu were together for the whole evening, they almost didn’t dance, they knew that soon they will be separated and couldn’t let each other go. That night was the first kiss, wonderful kiss… and next day was a good-bye day, with tears in the airport… that day she confessed to herself that she cannot image her life without his presence in it anymore, everything was meaningless, this horrible emptiness inside… next day he sent her a message, it was like a fresh air for her to breathe…

“I feel strange, really strange, I am not sure why, it is like I was in your town and now I am here, and yesterday I was with you, today I am not (I miss you a lot), and I do not believe that I will not be seeing you for a long time, I have a feeling like you are coming to the city…
I miss you…
I can close my eyes and see your face and smile for hours, I miss them too.
Even I am in here with my friends, new people, it is fun here, but I miss you,
I want to hear your voice, so please could you write your phone number, so I can call you.
Maybe I can get it from Yulia, she is here, everybody is here, but not you, that is wrong, I want you to come. Also could you email or send me your pictures please to the following address…
Or if you want to you can call me to the following number…
You know Alana, I think I love you.
Kakadu…”

In a week they met again, this time at his place. He met her with beautiful flowers, lots of love and attention. They hang out with group and just together, he showed her many wonderful places, because she didn’t know the city that well… From that time every place in the city reminded Alana of him, and it was painful. When there was a distance between them, they tried to reimburse it with phone calls, email messages, cards…

It was her 18th birthday. He sent her 15 cards, called and sent an email message. He even promised to come to over to town, but at the last moment the plans were changed. They both tried to share every day lived without each other in messages to each other, but then his messages became shorter, less often, and in 4 months he simply disappeared as well as his phone calls… It was obvious that everything is over…

But there were more “Kakadu temptations”: they met again when he visited town again, and Alana and Kakadu realized that it is impossible to forget what they had, that they still have feelings towards each other, so Alana forgave him and they were together again… Their correspondence was renewed and they met again many-many times… Relations became without any obligations, they just wanted to be together, not promising much, valuing every moment. Both knew that someone should put an end to this chaos, but none of them dared to be that initiator…

Only in 3 years their story found its sad end, a lot worse than both of them could imagine… he has changed, and she didn’t see in him the person she used to love that much for so long… It is bullshit that two people who dated before can stay friends… it is IMPOSSIBLE…

CHAPTER 2
After that painful experience Alana decided to enjoy life just like other people do, not being attached to one person, but just feel that she is loved and wanted by other guys… Yes, she became a hunter: she was successful. In 2 months she had about 7 love affairs (some girls can say that it is not much, but for Alana, who before had just 2 serious relations in her life it was a lot!) and every time when she felt that the target is met, she was leaving. It was fun to have this adrenaline when he holds her hand, kisses her for the first time, when he looks at her with love and tender, when they just get to know each other, telling different stories from their lives… soon it became boring, she felt herself wasted, again, this emptiness…

Her attitude was changed again when she was selected to go to Slovenia to participate in debate forum. Life was fun again, and love was not an important attribute to make it better. In Moscow airport she saw HIM… Fun guy, good looking, wearing read t-shirt. Also a participant. In several days they went to a field trip to a beautiful lake, castles, like in a fairy-tale. Romance was everywhere, including air, so a lot of couples were formed at this forum. “Hot Tajik Guy” and Alana also got a lot closer, but later they found out that she is 3 years older than he is… but it wasn’t a problem, usually people make problems themselves, when something in their lives goes extraordinary and they are afraid of consequences.

She liked him, his friends; it was so simple to be in his company, just like it is supposed to be. Following evenings were better than preceding ones, they had great time not just because of physical match, but also they had common ideas, dreams, views… She started thinking that maybe it was “hot Tajik guy” she was determined to spend her life with? Or was it just a coincidence?

One time he confessed that when he is in a crowd he is always searching for her… these words were much more sincere than three words “I love you”, because it is impossible to put all the meaning in these three words, and love can be different. People have to explain what they feel inside, and then combine all the impressions and say those three words… She wanted to express her feelings to him as well, but she did not… Why? Sometimes it is not necessary to tell something, he knew everything without words…

I guess the reader would be bored to read about the tears in the airport again, because they will have a feeling of de-jaview… Even though Alana tried to get prepared for this separation, it was hard. Hard to leave a person without your own will to do that and to see tears in his eyes, feel them on your face mixed up with your own tears…

There were attempts from both sides to meet again, but they were not successful. Alana was getting more and more stubborn, because she didn’t believe in predetermination, or was simply afraid of it? She wanted to believe that there were true feeling and that she was able to love…
Alana was sure that her Hot Tajik Guy became someone else’s Hot Tajik Guy, and she didn’t think that was wrong… She also had relations after Tajik Guy, which didn’t even give her a tiny part of what she experienced with him, just disappointment. She was sure that he hadn’t found any other girl who would substitute her, because he still was trying to find a way to meet with her, and all the words he told her… why would he need to lie?

But she needs his presence right now, wants his strong and gentle arms, wants to hear his voice, she wants him to give her a hug, kiss her salty chicks, look at her eyes and understand that she was waiting for him for so long, through all the trials and pain and that she wants to be with him forever, now she knows it for sure…
CONCLUSION…
It got really cold… For a moment she thought of her parents, sister, friends… and that she should not be causing them that much of pain, someone still loved her in this world… She remembered the words of Kakadu about suicide, that he himself would kill the people who decided to commit a suicide, because there is nothing more valuable in this world than life… A person is one lucky spermatozoon out of zillions which was fecundated… it is easy to die, but much harder to survive… Even if life won’t bring her more awesome moments, she can say that her life was full, because she was loved… Her cell phone started to vibrate… that was sms from her Hot Tajik Guy… He always feels her, even on such a huge distance… Just couple of words in the message… TWO words which gave her hope and desire to live…

AT NIGHT

01:10 A.M.
Gosh, that is beautiful… theme from Romeo and Juliet in rock version coming from her computer, night when everyone is asleep and there is a chance to think and give way to dreaming and bring back the memories of the past… maybe she does it too often… Sometimes she has a thought of why do people have daytime… it would be cool to have just night, to live in it, enjoy every tiny part of it… People are relaxed when it gets dark, they are more romantic, less talkative, thus less annoying…

She dreams of a night to come since early morning, she dreams of a warm cozy bad, dreams of a silence, and dreams of having dreams… Sweet dreams… sometimes it is amazing how creative your imagination can be, it is not even necessary to watch the movies, in dreams you create your own movie, choose the place, your own actors and leave the best “spot” for yourself… a bit selfish, but life is not fair anyway… There is one more thing real movie could never do – go back to past, the past you really enjoyed and give you a chance to experience it again, but in dreams it is even better - you can change things you were not able to change in reality and see the outcome of it. It may bring you consolation… or disappointment… nothing can be perfect, you just have to accept it.

Sometimes after having weird dream you wonder whether you need to consult a good psychologist to explain the nature of it. She had seen couple dreams of this kind, unfortunately psychologists don’t know the answer… more unanswered questions in her longest list, but she stands for having these questions, because they are the indicator of the brain being somehow functioning, trying to find out something she is not aware of at this moment. She probably needs this “something”, and this “something” will be significant in future, otherwise why would she need to know it?

Darkness helps people to communicate… Sounds like a nonsense… Nope, we should not abandon eye contact and verbal communication, but with no seeing people it is a completely different approach. Close your eyes and imagine that you are not able to see, you can just feel and hear… The acceptance of the world will totally change as well as your values…

She remembers once being in a dark hall (the electricity went off – usual phenomenon for our country…), so she was trying to make her way through this hall and there were the stairs and the wall and a real danger of having the forehead being smashed… So she was moving very slowly… suddenly she felt someone’s gentle hand taking hers and leading her towards the final destination… No words, just a touch. And his breath. A touch which didn’t last longer than a minute, but a touch which stayed in memory. She never got to see this person, she has no idea of how he looks, what are his interests in this life, and simply she doesn’t care. But he called out positive emotions in her that is all that matters.

Ouch… loud, VERY loud music coming from neighbor’s apartment… Don’t they understand that there are other 4 billion people beside them living on this planet? Sometimes when people are happy they become very self-oriented and don’t think of others… Well, she won’t yell at them today, because she might do the same thing tomorrow, be happy and also forget of others…

She sets the alarm, lights amazingly smelling candles, puts on her favorite pajamas with smiling Teddy bears on it and tries to fall asleep. After telling a night prayer she feels discomfort, a new feeling she hadn’t experienced before, a feeling of being lonely, very lonely. Her warm, cozy bed turns into huge, cold piece of wood, a reminder of her being isolated from the society. No one would kiss her “good night”, no one would watch her beauty when she is asleep, and no one would calm her down when she has a nightmare. And when she wakes up in the middle of the night she will be alone in this room and only stuffed animals with artificial smiles will accompany her. Hey tears, please don’t go down the chicks, the eyes will be red in the morning and will evade the state she is in today. She doesn’t want anyone to feel sorry for her, because then she will feel totally miserable. She hates night…

Someone walks into her room. She holds her breath and pretends that she is asleep. That is her mum carrying warm blanket for her spoiled, selfish daughter. For a minute mother seats on the edge of her bed, fixes the blanket so that the cold air won’t approach her “little cutie” and quietly walks away. Mother left but the blanket turned into her warm hands, holding her tight and telling that she is stupid, nevertheless not lonely…

I like to watch the stars at night
To scream “I love you” with all my might…
I like to dream, I’ll see you there
In dreams I’ll get you anywhere…

09.10.05

“A Real Happiness…”

“Life fades when a person doesn’t suffer:
having everything, he is not aware of the fact
that he is blessed…
Only in trials he realizes what the REAL
happiness is…”

Rain… Muddy…Getting dark… A homeless person was standing next to a food store, gazing for about an hour at a diary sector. Yes, he hadn’t eaten since morning when he found a loaf of moldy bread in garbage. People are spoiled, throwing away the things which still present a great value for others…

An hour passed… No changes… He was too proud to beg, stupid habit from the life when he was significant, had a job, “true” friends and the family… Who could say back then that he will turn into homeless person, loose everything at once???

People were busy doing Christmas shopping, buying presents and arranging the meals for Christmas dinner. For them this homeless person was invisible, like a wall or a garbage can, standing on the way and irritating with disgusting smell and look. He didn’t belong to this society anymore, because people in there don’t accept losers…

He decided to go home and find something containing nutrition on the way. It is amazing how fast the degradation of a person can happen, when the only thought in a head is connected with FOOD… No, he wasn’t at this stage now (at least he wanted to believe in it…), he just wanted to live, and it is essential to eat to stay alive.

While walking on a busy street he saw a beautiful girl, a girl who is about the same age as his daughter is supposed to be… He can only guess that his daughter looks like this girl, because he hadn’t seen her for two years, when she moved to a better life with HIS wife, leaving unlucky guy behind…

A girl smiled to him, kids don’t really care how much money you have in the pocket… Later she will grow up and turn into a bitch, like all females who sell their beauty, bodies and lives… Do they become any happier having cars, apartments and respect? They think that this comfort is called “happiness”, but they are wrong… This homeless person can say that he is happy now, not possessing any property, nevertheless happy…He is grateful when he finds moldy bread, when someone finally notices him, or when he gets to talk to other people…

He also makes a wish on a Christmas Eve every year, because a hope always accompanies him, and while there is a hope there is a reason to strive and live, live to a better life. It is the same wish, from year to year… and he believes that if he really wants it to happen it will come true…

Some people would call it “childish dream”, but for him it had a certain meaning… He dreamed of having a puppy… a cute little puppy, unprotected and loving… And every time he would come “home” someone would wait for him there, will notice his absence… it won’t be necessary to talk, an animal doesn’t need words, it needs real YOU…

It is not that hard to find a puppy for homeless person, because there are millions of homeless puppies out in the streets… But taking a puppy requires a lot of responsibility, because you should make sure that you won’t hurt him, that he will have everything he needs, including shelter and food… We are responsible for creatures we have domesticated and who will not be able to survive without our presence in their lives anymore… He couldn’t offer these items now, but he had love – a feeling which is impossible to work out, you just have it or not…

Homeless person greeted Timur, his basement neighbor, who was also homeless. Timur was alcohol addictive. He was still young, nevertheless overloaded with problems which he was able to solve, but we always choose “easy solution”, so now he is here, accompanying our hero. Usually they don’t talk much to each other; both had enough of their own problems to pay attention to someone else’s.

This day Timur was unusually excited: he found an advertisement in newspaper where the vacancy for a storage guard was announced. Surprisingly, all the requirements talked in his favor, and the salary was promising. A real chance to start a new life. Timur was choosing the most “less dirty” outfit for the interview, found a piece of soap and had intentions to take a shower using water from the heating system.

But employers were mean: they didn’t let Timur take an interview, not realizing that this is his last chance… Returning to a basement, homeless person found Timur dead: he committed suicide using that soap... A bottle of vodka – the only reminder of a person’s existence, only a bottle… Later everything was like in fog: aggressive policemen, short interrogation and prohibitation to live in a basement.
Inexplicably, a homeless person still had a desire to live…

You never know the reason of us coming here…
Time will pass and suddenly you’ll disappear…
You fall in love, then heart is broken… so many words are left unspoken
We hurt the people we mostly care, not trying to be better, prefer to swear:
Smoke pot, try sex, ignore the Christ’s existence
And laughing in a class at kid’s persistence…
You never know what’s wrong or right… just ask yourself: you might…

Look around: there are many people who are less blessed than you are… And they don’t complain as much as you do that “life really sucks!” If you pay just a bit of your attention, you might even meet this homeless person who is still walking in search of his dream… and a puppy waiting for his loving owner… If you get to see this homeless person, please give him a smile: it won’t cost you much, but for him it might be a real happiness…